My crass personality might be keeping me safe from serious suitors for now but what happens when I want to settle down? My friend told me a story about how her gorgeous friend used her vulgar humour and crazy personality in her 20's and everyone thought she was just wild and fun. Then turned 30 and all of a sudden her rude jokes were just a wall and 30-something people weren't as intrigued with her immature antics. Potential partners couldn't get close and she's had a series of crappy relationships due to what kind of person that behaviour attracts. This seems like an extreme, but it did make me think. My personality might be a bit more obnoxious when I'm at a bar drinking and meeting people but for the most part I'm the same person whether some one is hitting on me or not.
I read a story about this girl who pooped at a date's house and when it didn't flush she wrapped up her feces and she put it in her purse and tweeted her anxiety online. I thought that was the funniest story I had read all week. Now, it might just look like I'm some idiot laughing at poop jokes but I saw more to the story. The funniest part though, was her tweets about what she was thinking while making out with her date. He was telling her that she's the most amazing woman he'd ever met while she's hiding her own shit in her purse. I looked at the turd as a metaphor, we all have secrets when we are newly dating. Someone thinks that we are so amazing when really the turd in our purse could be $50,000 in student debt or severe daddy issues.
Why can't we just put ourselves out there instantly? This woman put the shit in her purse because she simply couldn't admit that she went to the bathroom and the toilet wouldn't flush. Why can't we all just tell people that we can't flush the toilet yet? The toilet may be broken but the plumber is on the way. "The right" someone is supposed to accept your good with your bad, right?
For awhile I became super insecure about my own personality. I may use my intense personality to push people away but its not that different from when I'm actually just being me. What if I have to settle for whatever I can get, because I scare people off? At a bar I go from lying to people that my turn-ons include yelling conspiracy theories in the bedroom to being real with people and talking about my low-key existential despair. Although I feel like these traits are something I can't flush, but I certainly don't want to hide my shit in my purse.
What is everyone supposed to do though? Be perfect and polite all the time so you don't scare someone off and hope that you don't get dumped when you actually get to be yourself, or laying it all out there from the get-go and risk never even starting something at all? I always thought that if someone really liked me they'd jump over the hurdle of my intimidating front and then I wouldn't have to be worried about being myself. I thought I couldn't go through the hassle of hiding myself and then a few months into a relationship let it all out like: "do you think death is like sleeping?". I'm addicted to the internet and I run a narcissistic blog. I feel a feminist rant coming on! By the way are we officially dating?" If I had done the usual act of telling them I'm a back up dancer for Beyonce when they asked what I do, would I have avoided the problem of telling them I'm a straight up weirdo?
I like me, so why was I starting to feel bad? I realized my issue/insecurity had been that I was using my personality in a negative way. I use it to purposefully get people to not like me, or as a test to see if someone can stand me, which at first I didn't see as a problem. Its also hard to shut off the abrasiveness once you start. I had to find a balance. And maybe I was searching for some validation that I'm not some closed-off jerk that's going to wind up alone.
I got the validation I needed when my friend Skyped me. She told me she loved the way I could dismiss terrible people. She told me a story about how she was in a bar and waiting for the washroom and overheard this dude on his male-privileged high-horse being generally horrible and womanizing and slightly racist. After she was done in the washroom she went back to warn her friend about this dude, but it was too late. He set his eyes on them and he came over to trap them in a long boring conversation and hit on them. After not being able to politely leave the conversation she said she thought to herself "What would Heather do?" and wound up, as she put it, channeling me. She said that after she was done he put down his whole drink and stated that she was the "worst person he'd ever met" and left the bar. From the story she told me he sounded like he's the worst person I would have ever met. I was so proud of her for putting some skeeze in his place instead of letting him hijack their night. It also made me feel a lot better about being me and made me realize that I should only use my repellent powers for good.
So I've come to the conclusion that I really should reel myself in a bit. There's a difference between driving a clingy, generally horrible person away and telling your friend that she can't accept a drink from a guy that hasn't done anything wrong except wear a Puka shell necklace. Just because in my mind there's a direct correlation between Puka shell necklaces and roofies, it's not scientifically supported and therefore doesn't need to be brought up loudly in front of said guy.
Although being obnoxious can be really fun, it's time I attempt to drop the act and just let myself come out naturally. I definitely know that I need to stop using my personality as a wall, maybe then, questioning myself will stop and I can actually meet some decent people. In dropping the act I will still remain myself therefore I'll have to remember the simplest thing: I like me, and if others don't: they can get lost. I am just going to keep being myself which is what my parents told me to do since elementary school. I worked hard to become the person I am. I still have amazing people in my life that jumped past the hurdles, and saw past the front I put up, and they like me anyways. I can be obnoxious, I ask a lot of intense questions, I go to therapy, and I have existential crises on an almost daily basis. So that's my turd. My shit is finally out of my purse.
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