"Ghosting is essentially a selfish way to avoid the consequences of your own actions."
I am no dating connoisseur. I have only had long term relationships that just sort of happened, but even before, I wouldn't describe anything I was doing with my love life as "dating". Re-emerging into the dating scene at 27 has certainly been an interesting and awkward learning experience. One dating trend I've come across (even since my younger days) is something we all know as "ghosting".
Ghosting, although the name has been coined recently, has been around since the dawn of courting. Some 16th Century man stealing a woman's virtue and disappearing into the night promising to "scribe her a letter sometime", is nothing new. Described essentially a slow or abrupt cutting off of someone you've met out of your life, it is also known as the "Fade Away". Talking with my single friends about the break-up tactic of ghosting, I've wondered: Is it a great tactic, or greatly insulting? Is ghosting the break up of the 21st Century?
Women and men in this day and age are both guilty of ghosting even though advances in technology and social media has made it harder to actually disappear. Updates on Facebook, or Instagram and Snapchat has your every move documented with a little date and time posted in the corner. Obviously the person is too busy drinking with friends, taking pictures of their coffee and posting online to dump you properly or cancel plans. You can't even open a message on apps without the other person knowing that you did in fact read it and never responded.
So it begs the question: Is there an appropriate time to ghost? Is it even possible anymore? It seems as if we're settling for ghosting as the way to break up with someone. Ghosting on someone but leaving the trace online can only add insult to injury when the "ghostee" you are avoiding can see everything you post. When you say some one "ghosted" on you it insinuates that they were the ones that disappeared. Though in reality you are the one texting into the abyss and watching someone's life move on, as if you are in fact the ghost.
My friend was talking about dating in the 90's and early 2000's. She said that "the fade away" as it was called then was all too common. Someone would go on a date with you and then the person wouldn't call your landline and stop going to the places you'd go regularly. They could literally disappear without a trace. Before the birth of social media you could get away with this tactic. Now though, everyone's life is online and for the most part kept public or with a simple add (or lurking through a mutual friends account) you can see that the person is not in fact "stuck at work" or "visiting family" or "dead".
I thought I was on the "if it was just a hook up it's okay to ghost" side until I spoke with a few friends. They were on the "always break up with them no matter what" side. I, like most people, have experienced both sides before, the ghoster and the ghostee. I dated a guy for 2 months we were together pretty much everyday after our 4th date. I met his friends and I even met his family. We had plans for 4 months in the future. All of a sudden he takes off for a weekend to visit friends. Suddenly, we went from messaging consistently to no word for 3 days.
When he returned, he had some lame excuse of "having no service" all weekend but we made plans for a date. It was awkward and he seemed off, so I asked him point blank if he was still into whatever it was we were doing. He said yes, and yet, only a few sporadic messages the following week. This was when I realized that it is really difficult for people to actually pull this ghosting act. I knew what he was attempting, but gone are the days of privacy in your life thanks to the invention of Facebook. To be honest though, I started finding his avoidance, amusing. We had followed each other on Instagram and Snapchat. We, of course, added each other on Facebook and did most of our messaging through there.
This all-too common scenario started the conversation with my friends as to why he wouldn't just admit his lagging interest when asked, or, simply break up with me. It was amusing that he went from posting and liking consistently, to straight up social media silence. Today, it is very easy to "stalk" someone, or as I reasoned to my friends: is it really stalking if someone posts their every move online and it shows up in your feeds? On these weekends with "no service" his status still showed "active now" or "active 15 minutes ago". So why wasn't he doing the right thing and just break up with me? I was starting to feel weird that he felt that he couldn't be active on social media all because avoiding the "confrontation" of ending things with me. Which was supposed to be "easier" but it made things so much more dramatic and complicated to avoid a simple conversation. When did we all become too cowardly to simply talk to each other, uncomfortable situation or not? So I deleted him from everything and heard through the grape vine that he was back with his ex. Although not all ghostee's have the luxury of hearing WTF happened, it seems like just saying: "Hey, I'm back with my ex, sorry." would have been so much easier.
I used to think that ghosting on a one night stand was O.K. I mean it's one thing when you're actually involved with someone. So is it entirely different when you have a date or two off Tinder, or a drunken tumble in the sheets with someone you barely know? I figured if that's how the people I've drunkenly hooked up with dealt with it in my early 20's, it was just the way things were done.
It's easy to ghost on strangers because you can distance yourself and not even care about their feelings. You can really see the affects of ghosting when its on someone you know. I made the mistake of drunkenly making out with an acquaintance. I was assuming that we'd just pretend it didn't happen and go back to being friends. Apparently, they felt differently, and started chasing me around on the internet... and the bar. I found myself starting to ghost the acquaintance, and also starting to feel even worse. It made me realize that even though I didn't really know any of the people I ghosted on, I personally know how it feels. I was watching it happen to someone I kind of care about. And I was the one doing it to them.. although I am a social media addict and I used to not care that I was saying "I'm busy" but then start posting drinks with friends online. So, can you even get away with ghosting anymore?
The answer is of course no. Unless you are one of those 'I don't have social media' type people, you cannot get away with ghosting. What is the point of even lying? Its only going to take one slip up post or one tag from a friend for the person you are blowing off to find out your cat isn't sick you're just an asshole that can't be upfront. Trust me I'm not just sitting here calling people out, I have been that cowardly asshole before.
Dating or hooking up with someone is crossing a boundary. If you cross it and lose interest, then you do have to let them know clearly. Sure, it sucks. I have to admit I've tried waiting it out. Maybe my acquaintance I made out with could take the hint and we could just go back to being friends and never talk about about "the drunken mistake" ever again. Then I realized maybe it wasn't a mistake for them. Maybe it wasn't a mistake for any of the people I ignored after. Why was I asking for the respect of being dumped when I couldn't do it myself? So I bit the bullet and sent them the 'this isn't going to happen, lets go back to being friends' message. Its shitty, but at least they know. I was giving them the choice of being my friend again if they wanted to, instead of keeping them stuck in the drama of not knowing what's going on while they're hoping for the best, and while I resent them for not "getting it". Because ghosting is essentially a selfish way to avoid the consequences of your own actions.
Now that I have figured out that ghosting is a terrible thing to do at any point of a relationship, I'll pass on this knowledge. Ghosting is not the dumping of the 21st century. Its just a crappy, selfish act that really creates more drama then it avoids. Everyone should just stop doing it and show a little sensitivity and respect to someone who peaked your interest enough whether for a night or longer. You can't even get away with it any more unless you use a fake online name, or keep all your social media accounts private.
I apologize to the people I've ghosted on. I think telling some one directly that you aren't interested anymore is much easier than monitoring your lies online. So just end it with people properly, make a clean break, and with technology, it is ridiculously easy to do. If you're too scared to do it face to face (@myself) then do it over the internet you're posting on everyday anyway. Either way, just be honest, no one enjoys feeling invisible.
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